And I’m back after a months-long blog writing hiatus.

To get my blood flowing and brain juices churning, I’m posting a ‘joke’ my husband sent me via email way back in November 2007 that I’ve been wanting to share (and put some place where I can find it in the future).

For my ‘Let’s clean out the pantry of nearly expired canned goods’ vegetarian (more or less) chili recipe, see my blog post from December 2010 here.
Warning: Stop reading now if you will be offended by some mild profanity and tasteless (pun intended) male commentary (from Judge #3).

Inexperienced Chili Taster

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

• Judge #1: A little too heavy on Tomato. Amusing Kick.
• Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
• Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worse one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner chili

• Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno Tang.
• Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
• Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the barn Chili

• Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
• Judge #2: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
• Frank: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

• Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
• Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
• Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; That 300lb bitch is starting to look hot, just like the nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

• Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
• Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
• Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring my beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw rednecks.

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

• Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
• Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
• Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

• Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
• Judge #2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
• Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

• Judge #1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
• Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
• Frank: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report).